The Recovered Life Show

Tamar Medford (00:00):
And before, you know, it, you start to get comfortable, but with being uncomfortable. And I think that's the point in my life that I've reached now is I'm riding this wave of dis like completely outta my comfort zone. And it feels incredible like that almost becomes an addiction in and of itself.

Announcer (00:21):
You're listening to the recovered life show the show that helps people in recovery live their best recovered lives. And here is your host Damon, Frank,

Damon Frank (00:32):
Welcome back to the recovered life show. I am thrilled to be joined today by tomorrow. Medford tomorrow is a relapse, uh, strategist. She helps people stop the relapse right before it happens. Welcome to the show tomorrow.

Tamar Medford (00:49):
Thank you so much for having me here. Damon. It's awesome to be here

Damon Frank (00:53):
Now. I said that, right? Your specialty is to stop that forward momentum of a pasible relapse,

Tamar Medford (01:02):
Right? That's right. Yeah. That's what we really need to get to. Right. It's how do we stay recovered?

Damon Frank (01:08):
That's it. That's absolutely it. And why I'm so thrilled that you're here today is the topic that I have picked to talk with you about cuz you are such a perfect person to do this, your life and recovery, which you'll explain a little bit of and your path being sober is just really incredible. And it really boils down to purpose, right? Tamara, it really comes down to finding your purpose in recovery. And so many people struggle with that. They either don't know what their purpose is or when they find it. They don't know what to do with it.

Tamar Medford (01:41):
Absolutely. I, and it, you know, for me, it was really looking back on the life that I had created for myself. I always thought that would follow me around in a negative way. Right? Because whether we like it or not, uh, you know, addiction has this stigma attached to it. And so as I went through early recovery built that foundation for myself. I kind of thought now what, I didn't go through 22 years of addiction to do nothing with it. Right. And as we know, when you give back, you get so much more in return. And so I started to explore that, right. Because I wanted to change my recovery. I wanted to wake up every day with a sense of purpose, a reason for being, and that is why I started seeking out my own purpose.

Damon Frank (02:27):
Yeah. And I think, you know, what's so incredible about your story is the sense of purpose really help you get long term sobriety, right? Like you were moving towards something. And I think without that, I think it does put people in a position where they could relapse because it's like every day becomes the next day. And there's no real long term reason to stay sober.

Tamar Medford (02:52):
Yeah, absolutely. It's I think it changed my recovery, right. Because like I said, I had these limiting beliefs like this, this, well, I had this desire to do something more with my, my life. I just had no idea what that more was or how to get it. And so that's when somebody's like, well, what is your purpose? Like what are you here for? And I'm like, that's a really good question. And when I started to do that, you know, self-analysis, I started learn things like the Iki guy concept, which is a Japanese philosophy on how to gain your purpose. I started looking into that, like, what am I good at? What do I love? What is my calling? And what does the world need more of? I put that all together and I thought I wanna help other people for a living. And all of a sudden I went from that person on Sunday that got super anxious about having to get up on Monday and check that email, right.

Tamar Medford (03:45):
Going back to the nine to five grind, doing something that didn't fulfill me. I had a really good job, but I wanted more than that. Right. And all of a sudden discovering my purpose. I started to get outta my comfort zone a little bit. Right. I started to try and new things that really scared the crap out of me. And that completely started to shift my recovery because all of a sudden there was no way, like I was creating a life so good for myself that I didn't want to go back to my old way of living.

Damon Frank (04:16):
Yeah. Because you know, I think when everybody first gets sober, the situ typically is so bad. Even if physically it's not bad, emotionally, it's bad. It's hard. Right. Life is hard day to day. And when you finally get to a place that has some consistency, something where you're actually, you know, you wake up every day, you know, where you're gonna be. Life is good. Right. The last thing that you want to do is kind of C that, because I mean, don't, you really feel like didn't you feel that, Hey, I'm gonna just spin off into chaos if, if I make too many changes all at one time.

Tamar Medford (04:52):
Oh totally. And I'm an all in kind of person. I mean, for me in my history, it's like, oh, something new, big, shiny object. Right. I gotta go after burnout, hit the wall, get up, start all over again. And so I knew that I had to take this in bite size chunks. Right. And so what I started to do is look for people who were doing the things that I was really kind of aspiring to be. And not only that, but looking for people who had what they wanted, right. It's not only look for people who have what you want. It's look for people, blue, have what they actually want. And I started boring their habits until they became my own, because that was very powerful, right. That, that allowed me to gain that momentum. And so every step I took, I would take, you know, take a minute, take a breath, turn around and look at how far I'd come. And I started to accomplish things that I never thought possible. Right. I mean, I never did really well in high school. And I decided to write two books less than one year and have them published and then becoming, you know, best sellers on Amazon. I would've never imagined that to happen, but it was because I started taking these small steps and guess what? It lit me up even more. And I'm like, what, what, what else can I do?

Damon Frank (06:04):
Yeah. I, I, I love that. How you're so excited about what you do. And I, I, you know, I found as an entrepreneur and being self-employed and working for myself is like, I remember going in and working for other people and, you know, punching the clock and doing that. And knowing that, that wasn't my purpose, that I was supposed to be creating companies and doing different things. Right. Mm-hmm and I, I, I knew it and it's, it's interesting because I knew that I kind of knew what my pur purpose was pre getting sober. Right. But I could never get there. Mm-hmm , you know, until I got sober, I could never really get there. Yeah. But now once, you know, I was sober, it was like, wow, I clearly knew what that was. Right. But I, I also understand too from just, you know, life and having friends and talking with people that not everybody knows what their purpose is.

Damon Frank (06:54):
And I'd love for you to talk about that real quick, because you know this so great about your, you know, your coaching. And as an author, you dive into this a lot about, you know, how do you really piece together? What is your purpose? Because a lot of people they're sobered up now, you know, they're two to three years in recovery, you know, they feel that, you know, body parts aren't falling off. They don't have the, that they used to, but they still are like, you know what, man, I just, I really don't know what my purpose is. Mm-hmm

Tamar Medford (07:24):
yeah. That's a great question. So, you know, first of all, I think that what people need to understand in recovery we're resilient. Right? When we, when we take a good look at what we've overcome, we're resourceful, we're resilient. We have all the skills within us to change our lives. Right. And in fact, our past can actually be the key to discovering what our purpose is. And, you know, I mentioned briefly the Iki guy concept, and I kept that. I, it was very simple and, and very easy to, and put together when I first learned it. But I started to ask myself, you know, okay, what am I good at? Right. And I started to list that and I thought, okay, I'm gonna take that one step further. I'm actually gonna text three people that I know. And I recommend that everybody does this and ask them like, you know, maybe mention little lead up, like I'm doing in some, you know, personal self-assessment self-discovery.

Tamar Medford (08:23):
If you were to come to me for any type of advice, what would that advice be? Right. And you will probably be very surprised at what you get back, cuz this is how you show up on the outside. Right. So add that to your list. And then what do you love? Right. Part of, I believe rating a good, like a purpose, and this will always evolve. It's not something that once you discover it, it's like, that's it, you're stuck with that purpose. This can grow and grow, but write down the things that really light you up because when you start to discover what you're passionate about, that gives you internal motivation, right? And once you discover that purpose, you can start setting goals based on that. Then you go to, you know, what is your calling, right. Are there things that people say, you know, you maybe you'd be great at a coach.

Tamar Medford (09:08):
You'd be great as a counselor. Um, you know, whatever that is, it could be a stay at home parent, right? Maybe you didn't have, you didn't have that when you were younger and you wanna give that to your children. So write down all of that kind of stuff. Like what could you get paid for even author? Right. I never thought that it could be an author. Um, but I did it, um, a blogger, you know, all that kind of stuff. And last but not least, what does the world need more of? Because let's be honest, your other people centered, you end up getting so much more back. Right. And I think those of us who are sober can really relate to that. And then look at that stuff, put it out in front of you and start to kind of highlight the stuff that aligns. Right? All the, all the things that really resonate with you. And you'll probably to get a really good sense of the direction that you wanna go in. That's a super, super easy exercise to do.

Damon Frank (10:02):
You know? I, I, I like how you're saying you're making an inventory basically. Right. And you're asking for this feedback, we just did an episode with Christina, Dennis, about how to take feedback from people. Right. Because feedback is so important. Like I might have an idea of something that I believe I'm world class in, but when I talk with 10 or 15 people, maybe not so much, right. Maybe I don't come across as that person. Right. So I, I love this idea of being able to kind of work this out. And what you're saying really is it's a process. It's not just all of a sudden this massive I'm gonna quit my job, move outta a house, move towns. It doesn't have to be so dramatic. Right. Mm-hmm

Tamar Medford (10:41):
. Yeah, absolutely. And I think we tend to make things a bigger deal than they are and keep it simple. Right. Because you may have this little spark, like I did where I thought, you know, I looked at what I was good at and what my friends had said about me. They're like, you're so great at holy people accountable or motivating and being their biggest cheerleader I could write. Right. I could get paid to do coaching. And I that's how I put all that together. Right. And what does the world need more of? Well, I think the world needs more people like, you know, yourself, um, myself, working with people in recovery, helping them create a life so good for themselves that they never wanna go back to their old way of living.

Damon Frank (11:22):
Yeah. You know, and I, you know, one, one of the things that I've found, um, just, you know, you learn a lot by just staying sober, just the pure fact that you just don't, you know, you stay sober and you do the deal, you do the work. And, and I think that there's a lot of confusion with purpose tomorrow. I mean, I think that many people feel that they're gonna find a purpose and then all of a sudden they're gonna become a celebrity that they have to, like we said, make these drastic changes. And, and I find that it's really just about clear thinking, which is most of emotional recovery. It's clear thinking, it's the ability to really slow down and find out what's important. You know, because I have friends that, you know, their, their passion and purpose in life is traveling or a sport or something that they really enjoy doing. They're never really gonna be able to monetize it. Mm-hmm, , they're not interested in monetizing it and they like what they do for a living, but it's a means for them to be able to do the other thing. Yeah. Right. And, and that's just fine. Not, not everybody has to, uh, not everybody has to make the next big company to, to be hap not, and not, everybody's gonna be happy with, with, with doing it that way. Right.

Tamar Medford (12:34):
Right. And that's the thing, that's why I said even it could be as simple as wanting to be a stay at home parent and give your, your children that life that, you know, maybe you didn't get yourself and, you know, don't get hung up on the career thing because I think the whole thing, and what purpose has really given me is in all honesty, I love that my friends make fun of me today for this. I go to bed early, right? When the, when it starts to be like 7:30 PM, I'm like, Hey guys, I gotta go. Like, I gotta start reading. I got my evening routine. I honestly can't wait to go to bed at night. And I still, as an entrepreneur get up super early because I love what I do. Whether that's writing, whether something that's, you know, in, in that has to do with my business or not, I get really pumped to wake up in the morning. Right. And some people will stick with their job because they love it. But doing something for yourself, that's purpose driven that just gives you that extra fuel and fire. And you know what? It builds resilience.

Damon Frank (13:34):
I love that because it is about resilience, right? If you're gonna work towards things and, you know, look, I, I, I, I think people that, that can regain long term sobriety or superheroes, it's very difficult to do. And when you look at it, you know, we were in a clubhouse room today and somebody said, Hey, when you look at the numbers of the people that go to rehabs and 12 step programs, and the people that are able to get a year, five years, 10 years, 20 years, it's a very small percentage of people, right? Mm-hmm so you have to be resilient to be able to do that. And you know, you have to be able to live with being uncomfortable. But I think one of the things I want to ask you about, because I, I, I see this a lot is that people get stuck.

Damon Frank (14:18):
So they they're sober. Right. They are sober, sober, sober, and they've done the work. And they now kind of know, Hey, my passion is, you know, working with kids, I want to go into a new career. I wanna do whatever, but they are stuck. They're immobilize and afraid to make any kind of move. And listen, there might be people that are listening to this right now. That're like, Hey, Damon's talking about me. Uh, you know, I've had the idea of what I want to do for years now. I'm sober. I, I know I can do it, but I'm just afraid to make those first couple moves. What's your advice to somebody that's in that situation tomorrow.

Tamar Medford (14:57):
So first of all, a lot of us procrastinate, right? And oftentimes we have to look at it like, is that a fear? It could be that fear of failure because having a growth mindset and that's something else that I teach and talk about. Often people think that having a growth mindset means the willingness to try something new, right? Like I'm willing to grow, I'm willing to learn. But what that actually comes down to is your ability to try something new, knowing that you might fail. Right. Because failure's an opportunity. Let's be honest. I mean, I have, I, you know, if you looked at my perceived years in life, they're, it's massive, but also that's been opportunities. That's led me exactly to the person who I am today. Right. Which has been an absolute gift gift. And oftentimes it's fear of success. Right. We tend to make things much bigger than they are.

Tamar Medford (15:45):
And we look at, it's like, Ooh, I'd like to try this, but what if I become famous? right. So I, I think we always have to kind of bring it back and realize why we're doing this. Right. This gives us a reason for being, this gives us a reason to wake up in the morning and we just have to really just embrace, I think the, the process, because like you said, right, resilience, it creates resilience. And so, you know, for anybody who's struggling with this, really do that exercise, that Iki guy concept that I told you about start to really look at it and go, okay, what are some things that people who are doing this do daily, right? And start to create a list of habits for yourself and start with one at a time, right? Because our brain takes things in mental steps.

Tamar Medford (16:34):
It's easier for us to catch up than the all in mentality. And I think that's what we think we have to do sometimes. And we don't. So it's just doing one thing every day, you know, that will basically move the dial forward. That'll get you moving in the right direction. And before you know it, you start to get comfortable. But with being, and I think that's the point in my life that I've reached now is I'm riding this wave of dis like completely outta my comfort zone. And it feels incredible. Like that almost becomes an addiction in and of itself.

Damon Frank (17:07):
I, I, you, you know, you have so, um, targeted in and nailed exactly the, the key to success with this growth mindset, because I've found that if you really wanna live your best recovered life, if you really wanna play full out, and this is what I talk about all the time about playing full out, if you really want to do that, most of your life is gonna be in a sense of, of uncomfortableness mm-hmm . But what I found is by not playing full out, it was much more uncomfortable in the long term. Yep. Right. And I love how you talk about your early riser you up. You do, you know, I, I, I was laughing cuz I, I told a friend the other other day I programmed my, uh, my Google so that I could, when, when I wake up in the morning, I say a command and it reads back and it keeps me in front of mind, why I'm doing what I'm doing.

Damon Frank (18:01):
Right. Mm-hmm it tells me, look, these are your world class skills. This is what you do. This is why you're here. This is what you know. And what it does is, you know, I, I feel that so many, um, so many people that survive addiction were good chameleons. We can make it anywhere. Right. But sometimes when we stop and we really listen to say like, what do I want? And you know that it's there, it's just that living in this uncomfortableness. And I mean, wouldn't you say, say tomorrow, like, look, if, if people that are recovered from an addiction, they know what uncomfortableness is.

Tamar Medford (18:36):
Oh, I mean, we've sat in it for so long, but I think that's something else, you know, give yourself grace. If this is something you're struggling with, is that all these old habits that we had built up over our lives, we didn't do that overnight. And so what we tend to do is when we try something new and all of a sudden it's like, oh, this is a little scary. We revert back. And we go back into those, you know what we call character defects, our protective mechanisms. And so we can slowly start to shift those things right. By saying, okay, no, these voices, you, you be quiet. You can stay back there. I'm gonna keep moving forward. Right. Cuz we have to understand that. I think that that's gonna pop up just because we're, you know, we've got this full on momentum and things are going great. Doesn't mean that the voices are gonna tell us, Hey, are you sure you should be doing this? It's like, tell them hell yes.

Damon Frank (19:25):
I love that because you know, a as, you know, helping prevent relapse and also just helping prevent unhappiness. Yeah. And, and I think that's the key it's like unhappiness leads to relapse, right? I mean, don't you see that? Like you, you, you know, and this is the exciting thing about what you do is, and I I'd love for you to go into this just a little bit here about, about coaching and working with other people and about how you create that change. Because I think so many people are just scared of like, Hey, I'm gonna get a coach. They're gonna push every single one of my buttons. I'm gonna go off the deep end and this is gonna be horrible. And I've found that that's not the case.

Tamar Medford (20:09):
Yeah. And I have two coaches is right. That I work with. I mean, when I finally realize that, Hey, I'm worth investing in because that's something we don't do enough of. Right. I mean, we're not in this journey alone. And I think most of us know that, but when you hire a coach, so what I do with my clients is I take them through this journey. Right. And it's really helping them rewire their brain. Right. Because the opposite of relapse is recover. Right. We need to recover. And so, you know, learning your purpose, your values, right. That's kind of the first step because that gives you more clarity that gives you direction. And when you learn that, when you create goals that align with your purpose and values, now of a sudden you're motivated from within, right. Instead of all these external factors, cuz we tend to set goals, let's be honest that, oh, my partner probably thinks I need to lose 40 pounds gonna, you know, hit the gym and lose 40 pounds this year kind of thing.

Tamar Medford (21:09):
Right. Well, that's not gonna keep us going cuz that's external. So we gotta go within first. And then we start to work on changing your belief system. So like that belief revision and a lot of us in recovery, we already experience the science of belief revision, which is, you know, listening to other people's stories. Right. Hearing that hope, that message and thinking, oh, maybe I can, maybe I can change. Right. So we're gonna teach you how to do that except in a much bigger way. And then that mindset we talked about, right. Getting rid of the voices, being able to take steps forward without, um, fearing failure and actually embracing and go, okay, if I mess this up, I know exactly what not to do. Right. and then getting into emotional, emotional inte intelligence, you know, tapping into that emotional awareness and learning how to respond rather than react.

Tamar Medford (22:01):
And I th sure, you know, if you're with someone, you have a spouse, they will likely appreciate it. I know mine has in priming your brain, right? Getting into your subconscious mind, how do we selectively attend to something that's important to us? Um, and then from there we go into the actual brain brain health, right. How to actually literally rewire it. And that's the journey. And at the end of that, which you gain is that resilience, right? So that it doesn't matter how hard life gets you are going to be able to get through it

Damon Frank (22:35):
Tomorrow. Medford, this has been an amazing and inspiring episode of the recovered life show. I'd like to thank you so much for coming on today. Guys, if you want to hear more about, uh, what tomorrow has going on, I'm gonna leave a link to her recovered life profile. So you can find out everything about her there and you can connect with her on all of her social channels. Tamara, thank you so much for coming and sharing your wisdom with us on the recovered life show.

Tamar Medford (23:01):
Thank you so much for having me

Announcer (23:04):
Keep the conversation going. Join recovered life. A community of like-minded people who are looking to, to live their best recovered lives. Membership is free and you can apply it, recovered life.us.