The Recovered Life Show

Staci Danford (00:00):
When we are having regrets, we feel like we're the only one that has 'em. And we're seeing the world from inside our head and not the way the world actually sees it. And we see all the things we didn't do not realizing other people most likely did not get their stuff done either because our brains are programmed to hold on to negativity, hold onto danger and hold onto anything that feels hurtful or regret feels hurtful. And your brain holds onto it and reminds you of how terrible it feels in order to protect you from

Introduction (00:43):
You're listening to the recovered life show the show that helps people in recovery live their best recovered lives. And here is your host. Damon, Frank,

Damon Frank (00:54):
Welcome back to the recovered life show. I am joined today by Stacy Danford, recovered life contributor and educational neuroscientist. How you doing today, Stacy? Great. I'm

Staci Danford (01:06):
So glad to be here.

Damon Frank (01:07):
I love having you on the show. Not only because of your energy, but the knowledge that you tell us about neuroscience in our brain and addiction. And we were talking a little bit about the end of 2021 it's December and we're reaching the end of 2021.

Staci Danford (01:24):
I know it's hard to believe a whole year has already gone by when we thought this might be the magical year. Now it's over

Damon Frank (01:32):
Right. I know. And as we reach the end of the year, we start sometimes feeling regrets. And I know we were talking in a group together and a lot of people were saying that were in the recovery community. It's like they had regrets of ideas of things that they thought that they were going to achieve or do or feel in 2021. That didn't happen. And now they're, you know, in December and they're saying, oh, this is a, it's a pretty good chance that this might not happen for me. Right. Whatever that goal might have been. And we got on this conversation of regrets and I was so glad that you're joining us on the show today to kind of dive into what is, what is regret and why do people have it? And how can you, how can you work with the regret feelings that you have?

Staci Danford (02:17):
Yeah. I think this is such an important concept because when we are having regrets, we feel like we're the only one that has them. And we're seeing the world from inside our head and not the way the world actually sees it. And we see all the things we didn't do not realizing other people most likely did not get their stuff done either because our brains are programed to hold on to negativity, hold onto danger and hold onto anything that feels hurtful or regret feels hurtful. And your brain holds onto it and reminds you of how terrible it feels in order to protect you from it. The only thing bad about regret is you're not consciously realizing the damage that it's doing to your ability to achieve your next goal. Because when your brain is looking at the things you regret, the things you didn't do, you are identifying yourself as someone who doesn't get things done, someone who doesn't achieve their goals.

Staci Danford (03:27):
And these pathways are just going over and over like a loop. And I always remind my clients, don't let your brain focus on what you didn't do, teach it to look for of the things that you did do, because most likely you have done hundreds of great things this year that you don't acknowledge and you don't hold onto. So here's the best tip for everybody out there, moving forward to help your brain stop regretting all the things you didn't do and keep tabs of what you did do correctly. So every month I print out a free little calendar with those dumb little tiny boxes that nobody ever knows. What are you supposed to put in those in those silly boxes, cuz you can't get your to-do list in there. But each night before I go to bed in that little bitty box, I write down one thing that I accomplished today. One thing I'm proud of that I did today. And every day I make myself do that. One thing, it literally takes a minute. One minute, if you don't have a minute, you already have a crummy life. That's

Damon Frank (04:36):
Such a great, that's such a great tip because you know, one of the things that when I started thinking about regrets, you know, it's a very, uh, narrow thing. You start, it's almost like you start to circle down the drain, right? Because once you start getting in that regret mode that you can't see all of the great accomplishments that you've had. And I loved how you a approach that is like, it's like all this sudden, everything else that you did successfully throughout the year seems to vanish. What, why is that? What what's actually happening from a neuroscience point of view? Because so much of us think that regret is a feeling, but it's not just a feeling, right? It's also a neuro pattern.

Staci Danford (05:18):
Oh it's not it's regret is really, a sign for you to acknowledge what did not happen? Well, just like, oh my gosh, I didn't eat well. And I got sick or, oh my gosh, I ate popcorn. And I got, you know, an upset stomach, oh, popcorn makes me sick. Your brain loves to hold on to the things that don't work well as a means a of protecting you like, oh, if I drove fast every week, there's always a cop at the end of my road, I'll get a ticket. Our brain loves to understand cause and effect and regret is one of those tricky things that makes us feel like it's helping us notice all the things that did not go well. But if we will learn to push our brain out of that and start looking at the things we do well, which our brain doesn't hold onto.

Staci Danford (06:12):
And most people don't realize that joy and excitement, little tiny accomplish those things only go to short term memory. They do not go over to long term memory. And you know, like I'm sure yesterday four or five fun things happened to me, but I would have to really sit and focus on 'em to think about what they were. And if you ask somebody, tell me something good that happened last Thursday. You'd be like, I have no idea. But if you ask somebody say, tell me something bad. That happened last week. You'd like, oh man, you have no idea what happened to me last week. We can recall negativity very easily because it's a threat to our survival. Joy is not a threat to your survival. Nobody's ever, you know, oh my gosh, I'm so happy. I may fall apart. We, it just doesn't soak in and it doesn't move to long term memory unless you teach your brain how to hold onto it.

Damon Frank (07:10):
This is, this is makes a lot of sense because you know, in the recovery world with people that are recovering, especially from drug and alcohol abuse, right. Um, obviously there's regrets there. Yeah. When, when people get sober, right? So they're thinking back on things that maybe they could have done differently. And I've noticed that when people get in, I'm just gonna call it the, the regret mode, right. They get to a place where it's easier for them to relapse or to act out in what we would call like a stacked addiction that you talk about. Right? How does that, how does that work when you get into that regret mode, it almost brings back all of these memories of past regrets and things that you didn't do, right? Yes. It's,

Staci Danford (07:57):
It's just, it's like a, a snowball effect. That's what we call it. And this, you know, everybody starts off with a little tiny snowball, but if you roll it long enough, you can build a snowman and you'll have, you know, a huge snowman. Same thing happens with our thoughts. They start off as one little negative thought and then they just keep rolling and they get the snowball effect. And then the, that you regretted today turns into what you regretted from last week. Turns into last year, turns into last decade, turns into, oh my gosh, I'm just a failure as a human being. And especially in the world of recovery, because there is a lot of pain behind us and your brain can not see clearly what's yet to be in front of you. And if you do not force your brain to be intentional, it will always be automatic and automatic is gonna be negative. It's gonna be keeping you alive. And it's gonna be the pathways you've used the most, which are most likely the ones that were not the most beneficial.

Damon Frank (09:03):
You know, when you get in that regret space and we were talking about how you then almost do more things that you will regret. Yeah. It's very weird. And so what you're saying, that is the feeling, how, how do you, when you start to feel this and you start to identify, wow, that kind of feels like regret. And I know you use, um, a wheel, right? Yes. About what you're feeling. Because I think especially in early recovery, when people talk about feelings, it's hard because you don't really know what you're feeling in early recovery, all the feelings wanna meshed up. Yeah. But when you do isolate that you, you are having this regret feeling, what are some of the actions to take, not to go down that slippery slope.

Staci Danford (09:47):
I think it's so important for, I think everybody needs an emotion wheel. because they're actually hundreds and hundreds of emotions to, and we just call it maybe regret. But really it may be like, I feel violated or I feel resentful. Or, and when you give your emotion a name, it, your brain has to go create a pathway for that specific name. And just regret is so big. And your brain has thousands of with one pathway. And so it will follow that pathway, which leads you to even wanting to use more, to be in a place of more anxiety, more depression. So, first thing I tell everybody is use the wheel, pick a name for the exact emotion you feel then use this phrase. Most helpful phrase in the universe, I think is I feel blank because blank. So even if you use regretful, I feel regretful because most people can't answer that question because it's just a general feeling that you've carried for decades or months or years.

Staci Danford (10:59):
But when you force your brain to answer the question, because you are moving yourself back to the prefrontal cortex where you want to be, because this is the area of your brain that helps you have better judgment, have better reasoning and understand consequences of why am I going down this spiral? Oh, it's gonna lead me nowhere. Good. I'm gonna end up, you know, stacking one addiction on top of another. And so if you feel like maybe you're going to Christmas or you're going to a party where once before you just really screwed it up and you know, maybe you were drunk or you said something you didn't wanna say, and you're going into this party now. And you're thinking, oh my gosh, I have so many regrets. Say that to yourself. I feel regret because I didn't behave so well last year or last decade, then create a plan for that one thing, not the entire past lifetime, because that's what our brains do. When we feel regret, we wanna go fix it all. Don't try that fix the one thing that you can do, you can take care of the one party you can go in and be nice. You can go in and speak to people. Don't worry about what happened in the past. You cannot fix that.

Damon Frank (12:20):
Yeah. And I, I think that's so helpful because even sometimes that exercise of filling in the blanks of that sense you had sometimes even in the middle of that, I found and using that, cuz you've, you've given that to me using that process, sometimes I'm like, wait, this isn't even regret at all. I never really wanted that. You know, I really wanna that type. This is a misplaced emotion, right? This isn't even regret and it's kind of funny and you know, you move on.

Staci Danford (12:46):
Yes. And, and people just that one word remember has a thousand feelers, but one giant pathway, which leads you to destruction. And when you call it for what it is, I feel blank because blank and a lot of people feel have been calling me lately and saying, you know, I feel so guilty that I gained weight during COVID and I just, I feel so much regret. I didn't work out and okay. Why? And so many of them could not answer that question, but then when they finally did it was because it's gonna take me so long to get back in shape or because I'm gonna have to go buy new pants. Okay. Well, is it possible to buy new pants? Yes. I actually spent three days being mad about that. All I gotta do is go buy new hands. Or if it's, I feel so much regret cuz I got outta shape, it's gonna be hard to get back in it. Well, have you ever done anything hard before? Yes. How do you do that? You break it down into the little steps. So really it's so much easier when you feel that out your, your brain has to focus on oh yeah. That's not real, really that big a deal at all. I had made it into a monster and it really wasn't a monster after all.

Damon Frank (14:01):
What I love about your approach, uh, with addiction treatment and just coaching people is the clarity. And I think that's what neuroscience really brings and it really narrows down a clarity and me makes it a little less personal sometimes. Right. Because I find that in my own recovery, I'm incredibly unrealistic about myself capabilities and my time and other people's time and what other people can do. Right. I'm I, when I look back, I kind of laugh. I'm like a lot of these things that I either get a resentment over or I feel regret over or any kind of ex I would say like extreme emotion that holds on there for a while. And I look back and it's kind of funny because I'm very unrealistic. I really just, sometimes don't see things clearly. Right. And I love that neuroscience and the process and how you work with people. You're bringing them to really kind of, uh, it's almost a dead end of the road because you said a one path, right? It's like, instead of walking down all these different paths simultaneously and really ending up confused, you're saying like pick that one and go all the way through,

Staci Danford (15:12):
Get on it. Yes. And I think that is really, the trick is staying focused, stay intentional about what you're doing. You're moving forward every day. Maybe the step is only one inch big, but you're still taking a step. And if you will keep focused on the area that you're going, which is recovery, your brain is like, oh, I did take a step toward that today. And that's why that little calendar method is so important because at the end of each month, at the end of each week, you can physically see what you did like wow, I did 30 things this month, moving myself toward the goal of lifetime of recovery. And when you see physical facts, your brain holds on to facts and facts can alter your belief bias. And if your belief is I'm a loser and I've made a million mistakes, I regret guess what? Your brain will help you get the, because that's your brain's identity. But if you look at that list and you're like, oh my gosh, I'm somebody who's accomplished 30 things this month. And at the end of every year, I staple all of my little calendar pages together and I've got 365 accomplishments. I did the, this year and I read 'em every year. And I now know there's nothing I can't do if I break it down one single step at a time.

Damon Frank (16:41):
That's so great that you do that review. And you know, I do something very similar. I use three by five cards, anybody who knows me, I'm a three by five card junkie I have stacks of them. And I carry a around, especially when I'm feeling maybe confused or a little overloaded or a lot's going on in my life and I pull them off. And when I do it, I make a big deal out of it. And I cross that and I would throw it in this big, clear jar in a place that I could see it. And I would walk by that place a lot. And I would say, Hey, look at all the stuff I'm getting done and I do different with them. So it's kind of like a little Christmas tree, if you will. Right. But that celebration, I love what you're talking about with that celebration is like, Hey, celebrate yourself a little bit.

Damon Frank (17:23):
Because you know, I find that with people in recovery, they get stuck. And you know, Stacy, I want to ask you this million dollar question because you know, just to pick your brain on this because I know a lot of people get stuck and they're looking back on two, 2021, and they're saying, Hey it, 2020 was horrible for me. Let's say, you know the pandemic, wasn't great for people. They're still in this now in two, 2021, they're sober, you know, they're doing the deal, but they're like, you know what, man, my life's not getting better and I'm stuck. Right? And things are never gonna change. And maybe I'm just a loser or somebody who can't be successful or that, what would you tell that person that's listening to this right now?

Staci Danford (18:07):
I would say, first of all, do not believe your brain because those past patterns do not have to be your future patterns. And I really believe with all of my heart, that neuroplasticity is the greatest revelation of this century, which simply means that your brain is changeable up until the day you die. The only problem is you've gotta be the one to change it. And that is by repeated thoughts, ask yourself which thoughts are you repeating on a daily basis? Is it I'm a loser? I can't do this. This is too hard for me. Don't do that. Make yourself, if you can't talk to your, then you're at the mercy of all the crus in the world. Or if yourself only says negative things, you're at your own mercy, make a list of 10 things to say to yourself every single day. And best thing to do with that is to make sure those things have some factual basis. Because if you say, you know, on fit firm and healthy and your brain's like, oh, you're not, you're 30 pounds overweight. So say something that you'll believe like I made three steps forward yesterday, by going to see a sponsor, I helped someone else in recovery. Give yourself some forward progress and read it every day until those are the first thoughts you have instead of those negative ones.

Damon Frank (19:33):
Stacy Danford. Thank you so much for coming on the show today. This has been really very valuable. And um, I I'd like to thank you for all of the wisdom that you share with us. All of these tips, guys, if you want to find out more about Stacy, you can connect with her on recovered life. And she posts a lot of stuff there about recovery and addiction and neuroscience and how to get out of it. So Stacy, thank you so much for coming on the show. You are

Staci Danford (20:01):
Absolutely welcome.

Introduction (20:03):
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