The Recovered Life Show

CarolineI Caroline T. I am an alcoholic, and I've been cleaning sober for nine years.

Damon: When was the first time that you noticed a problem?

Carolinenow, I can see that I always drank. What that looked like for me was when I would take a drink no matter what my intention was going into the experience if I had set out to just have one or two drinks once I had the alcohol in my system, I lost complete control and the obsession of of getting more and more and more with kick. And it's like I had tunnel vision and all that mattered was getting more and more alcohol no matter how drunk I was getting. And I didn't know it was a problem until I was around eighteen, and I was on my own for the first time in college, and I started to drink so heavily and started to experience consequences as a result of the way I drank. And it was about age eighteen where I started looking at my drinking and identifying that there might be a problem, and that was solely because I was not only receiving consequences from my drinking. I was feeling so empty inside and it just became more and more apparent that this was affecting my life at a very large scale.

Damon: Tell us about your life growing up.

CarolineI grew up in a split household, so my parents were divorced. By the time I was two, my mom suffered from alcoholism the far as long as I can remember, I was always aware of alcohol being an issue in my family. A lot of people in my family suffered from addiction and my dad talked a lot to us about that, me and my sister when we were younger. He taught us how to count mom's drinks to make sure she wasn't driving drunk, and he told us about alcoholism to the knowledge that he had at the time. And told us that we would always have to be careful and look out for us experiencing it. And the reason why I actually realized I was an alcoholic and that there was an issue was because I was already aware that it could potentially be an issue. So I think that if my dad had had no conversations with me about it. I probably wouldn't have identified it. I identified it as soon as I did, And quite frankly, I just didn't want to experience the pain that my mom was experiencing as I watched her in her addiction.

Damon: What happened?

Carolinebecause I was only twenty years old when I got sober, my life looked a lot like an average college student who has binge drinking on the outside. However, I was always the drunk person. I was always pushing the limits And my life was really miserable. I lived to drink. So by the end of my drinking, I had become extremely suicidal and the only reason I would get up in the morning and convince myself to get up in the morning is to tell myself that I could drink later. And with the promise that I could drink later in the day after work or school, was the only thing that I wanted to live for. So the very thing that was killing me spiritually and physically was the only thing that kept me alive as well in the sense that I didn't kill myself as a result of my misery. The alcohol just kept me going However, that's a really sad existence if you've ever experienced it. You're chasing a good feeling that alcohol once gave you. But for me, I was so deep in my addiction that I was getting sick. If I didn't drink, I'd end up in the hospital if I didn't drink for a couple days and the feeling that I can most identify with is just the feeling of completely spiritual bankruptcy. I just was completely depleted of all my spirituality and my purpose and my authentic self.

Damon: What was your bottom?

CarolineWhen I hit my bottom, it wasn't anything that an outsider would look at as anything significant But for me, I was already on the journey to just discovering that I needed to live a completely sober life. I just didn't know how to do that. So I was attempting for about six months to experiment with sobriety so I would get bout of sober time. But as most people know if you are an alcoholic in our sober, it doesn't matter how long you have. It doesn't erase your alcoholism. So once I would pick up again, I would not only just start where I had left off. It was always worse, and it was always a worse experience because my alcoholism was progressing even when I wasn't drinking. So I during this time of kind of experimenting on and off with being physically sober, I went on a date with a guy off of a dating website. And for some reason on the date, I just felt comfortable enough with him to tell him. I was like, I'm really struggling with substance abuse and I don't know if I need to go to alcoholic anonymous or what... But I I just... I don't know. I don't really know what to do. And he looked at me like, I was crazy and I was like, why did I just tell him that that's insane. And he said, well, I highly recommend getting sober and trying out twelve because I've been in alcoholic anonymous for a year now. And so in my head, I was like, oh, perfect. I'm gonna get this boyfriend who's gonna be sober and teaching me out would be sober, and this is this is wonderful. And then the good working a good program. He called me the next day and said, you know, I really like you. I had a really great time with you, but there's a lot of things that you need to figure out. And for my program, I can't you know, be dating you, but I'm here for you if you ever wanna come to a meeting. And i was so mad, and I basically told them like, to f off. And then I started drinking really heavily after that And it was a couple months later, I had told myself that I would go out with my friends on this Thursday night to this event. But I had work the next day, and I promise myself like, you cannot get drunk, you cannot get drunk Like, you have to be able to function tomorrow. And then someone offered me a shot of Vodka, and I said, well, what's the harm in one? Because I hadn't quite figured out that when I drank one, it wasn't just gonna be one. So I ended up getting extremely drunk that night, and it wasn't anything totally significant compared to other experiences, but I think the main thing was I saw how out of control it was that I could not control it even when I tried to. And so I was basically blacked out, but I do remember coming home that night, and I called that guy that I gone on a date with, and I said I really need help. Like, I am going to die if I don't stop drinking. And the next day, I woke up and I looked in the mirror, and I just looked I looked like I was dead and I just kept hearing this voice in my head. If you don't get sober you're going to die. And so I followed up with the guy and he took me to my first meeting and introduced me to other women in the program, and that's how I got... I got to where my recovery journey started.

Damon: After you decieded to get sober what did you do?

Carolinewhen I decided to get sober, I decided to go the twelve step route, so I got a sponsor, and I started working with her and the first month of Sobriety was probably the hardest month of my life. I started getting rid of anything to do with addiction. I smoked a lot of marijuana so I got rid of my my beautiful two hundred and fifty dollar long, which was a big deal for me. I did a lot of journal the first month. I got sober, and it's interesting to look back at that book. Now and how vulnerable and how Ra was and how scary things were and just a reminder. I was only twenty years old, and I was in college. So everyone I was surrounded by it was partying and I had to explained to all my partying friends that I was getting sober. And usually when people reach their bottom and tell their loved ones that they're day sober. It's like, oh, thank God. Yes, you need to get sober. In my case, my peers were like, why are you doing that? Like what? They didn't understand which was understandable. My family, I don't know if they really knew what was going on with me because I lived in a different city than them. But when I told them I was getting sober, it was a positive reaction for sure. But what worked for me, especially in the first thirty days was having the accountability of other alcoholic around me, going to meetings and really just taking one day at a time and really trusting the process, and I just kept reminding myself that if these other people in the rooms could do it then I could too, and I just listened to whatever they said.

Damon: What is it like now?

CarolineI owe everything that I have accomplished that is good in my life to sobriety I graduated from college with the Degree in social work. I met the love of my life. In the rooms of alcoholic anonymous, and we have been together for seven years and married for six months. I have amazing friends and relationships and always been able to do work that I love and I love helping people and I've really been able to go into my adult life with a blueprint of how to live in the best way. And that doesn't mean that I live in a way where I am perfect all of the time. But I live in a way where I take responsibility for my actions. I make amend when I wrong someone, I try my best to be kind to everybody to go out of my way to be of service to others. And most importantly, to do a steer acts and that's what boosts my self esteem. By no means is life perfect after you get sober. Sometimes life is really really hard. Sober or not. So what I will say though is life will never get better as a result of drinking. So if I go through something that's traumatic or sad or difficult, I know that picking up a drink isn't going to make it better. It's just going to make it worse. So sobriety, you have to feel a lot of feelings and sometimes that's really uncomfortable, but I've been able to learn what tools and what methods work for me in order to not pick up that drink and not feel so desperate to not feel those feelings. And sit in being uncomfortable. Because no matter what everything ends up being okay. But if I take a drink, I cannot guarantee that I will be alive. So that's basically how I live my life now. I just do the best that I possibly can and I really try my best to show up for others and myself.

Damon: Your advice to someone that is deciding to get sober?

CarolineNo one else can determine if you're an alcoholic or you have an addiction other than yourself. And so I always challenge people when they come to me and say that they're thinking about getting sober. And a lot of times the word alcoholic or addict is really scary to identify with. And I always say to people you know, if alcohol or drugs are affecting your life in a negative way, then there is a problem you know, if it's alcoholism or addiction or the disease of addiction, it's irrelevant. How is it affecting your life? Is it a benefit to your life? Is it making your life better? And if it's not, then I think Sobriety is a great option. And there's no harm in trying to live life in a different way. To see if it's better for you. Take one day at a time. And around yourself with people who can support you and understand you. And that sometimes relapse is a part of recovery, and it's a process. And I think that alcoholic or not addict or not, sobriety is a abuse thing because you get to experience life on life's terms. And you get to be present. And you get to be well. And I think that regardless of addiction status, alcohol is poison. So I strongly believe that Sobriety is a great option for anyone.