The Recovered Life Show

Jay: Hi. My name is Jay, and I'm from Boston, Massachusetts. I suffer from alcoholism and I have been sober before a little over thirteen years.

Damon: When was the first time that you noticed a problem?

Jay: I knew I drank differently because every monday, all I thought about was Friday and when Friday rolled around. I would drink the entire weekend as a high school student. My french drank a little bit. They like the party, but it was nothing to the extent that I was doing.
Damon: Tell us about your life growing up.

Jay: I grew up in a very loving home, upper middle class Boston Suburb, to older the sisters a younger brother. I was the first one of my family that we know of that suffers from alcoholism. But what I noticed immediately that that when there was something wrong with me was I had a panic attack as an eight or nine year old and it It was my first panic attack. I didn't know what it was. I dropped my lunch and I just froze. I I didn't know how to pick it up. I was afraid I was gonna be late for school. I didn't know whether to run back to the house to tell my mother, so she could drive me to school, And shortly thereafter. I developed obsessive compulsive disorder, and I took it to a whole new level and had I was just obsessed with being clean and neat

Damon: What happened?

Jay: At the end of my drinking, in two thousand and nine, I was separated from my wife. I was living in my brother's boiler room. Which was in the basement sleeping on a food tone that was too small for me. I become a daily binge blackout drinker. I was gain employed, but my shift was noon to eight, so I could sleep the hangover off in the morning and then I started drinking at work. And I lost all sense of any type of moral values that I had prior edge to drinking, it it was a very long ill, so to speak drinking career over twenty two years. And I just knew that I was dead inside.

Damon: What was your bottom?

Jay: On october fourth two thousand and nine, I woke up and I was sobbing and I remember wishing for a gun because if I had a gun I was going to put it my mouth and I was going to pull the trigger. I was completely hopeless I was dead inside. I was an empty shell of a person. I got up to go to the bathroom and every intention Come going back to bed to pass out for the day. And something told me to get down on my knees and pray. And although I was raised catholic, at that particular time in my life, I was an atheist and had denounced the catholic religion entirely. But I didn't know what Else to do so I did in fact get down on my knees and I did pray. And I I prayed to god that at the time, I didn't believe him.

Damon: After you decieded to get sober what did you do?

Jay: When I very first got sober, the first thing I did that evening is I called a friend and we went to an a twelve step meeting. I got my twenty four hour chip, and I was told, it was suggested that I go to ninety meetings in ninety days, so I did that. The first month of my sobriety, I was restless irritable and discontent because all I did as far as my recovery was simply went to meetings. I didn't do anything else. I was the last one in the meeting, The first one to leave. I didn't talk to anybody sat in the back my hat pulled down over my head. Didn't make eye contact. I couldn't stand being there, but I didn't know what else to do. I also had a lot of time on my hands. I know I didn't I knew I didn't wanna drink. But even my first eighteen months sobriety will like that where I was so miserable. I didn't understand the payoff of sobriety. But it was no one's fault on my own because I wasn't doing anything. Luckily, going to a step meeting every day, at least I knew that I was in a safe place for that hour. And I just kept literally just aiming from midnight every night. I was like I said, game fully employed. So I had a job. I started going to the gym. That helped immensely, get the call bugs out of my head, etcetera, but I was so just I felt like I was electrified. Everything everything bothered me. Loud noises bothered me. Chatter bothered me. Traffic bothered me. I was just extremely irritable.

Damon: What is it like now?

Jay: The most important things that have happened to me in recovery is, I finally have all the things that I need. All the things that money can't buy, I have self respect, self love, patients, tolerance, acceptance, integrity, tact, grace, empathy, compassion, I have all of those things because of the twelve step work I have done. I didn't have any of those things when I was drinking. I didn't know how to grow up, so to speak and be an adult and be an active member of society. The twelve steps for me personally is a blueprint for life that I try to live every day. Two amazing things that I have done that that come to my mind immediately is I took a six week drive from Boston to Los Angeles and back again across the country. By myself. I wanted to see the United States states. It took six weeks. And I went to meetings at every single city I stopped I think I went through twenty five states stopped in thirty cities, and it was very Therapeutic to be out on the road. I talked to other alcoholic every day. Like I said, I'm it's meetings, and that just kind of expanded me, expanded my mind, letting me know that there's more to life than boston and that we live in an amazing, very diverse beautiful country. And the second thing I did that was really really powerful was I volunteered at the Wilson house in east vermont, which was the birthplace of Bill w, the... The founder of alcoholic anonymous. I volunteered there for three months. I was the living inn keeper and had a few chores every day and I was allowed to go to every single seminar that happened every weekend. I went to meetings every day and every other volunteer the there. We're also in recovery. So I was completely surrounded for three months straight by people who were actively looking and trying to get better and to grow as people. And is any one thing transform my life and my recovery It was absolutely my stay as a volunteer at the Wilson house.

Damon: Your advice to someone that is deciding to get sober?

Jay: The best advice I can give to someone who's struggling with alcoholism or addiction is I was told this years ago and it made so much sense to me a really hit home is if someone has a problem trying to control something, it's usually because it's out of control. I can't determine whether somebody else is an alcoholic or addict. I only know that I am. But I've had friends approach me saying I think I drink too much. And if they do, my best advice for them is to reach out and get help others me another alcoholic, They may wanna to attend a twelve step meeting. They could talk to a priest or a pastor or if they are religious. They could talk to a therapist. My biggest most important piece of advice is if you do think you have an issue with alcohol or an unhealthy relationship with alcohol and you do wanna stop and you're on the fence, do it. Do it do it do it. It's going to save your life. You... You're going to learn things about yourself, you never know. And it's it's one of the most profound difficult things, yet necessary things. That you can do for yourself, your family your loved ones in your recovery. And I promise promise promise promise you this, whoever you are listening that you can't do it alone. I couldn't do it alone. I don't know anybody who could, and there is a myriad of help out there for you. You just... And I know believe me. I've been there. The hardest thing I've ever had to do in my entire life, would it was admit? That was an alcoholic and asked for help. And I struggle with it, but I did it, and it was absolutely the best thing I ever could have done.